A company, feeling it was time for a major shakeup, decides to hire a brand-new CEO. This new boss arrives with one mission: eliminate every slacker, expose every lazy employee, and make it crystal clear that nobody will be allowed to waste company time anymore. On his very first tour of the facilities, the CEO walks through the busy production floor, watching employees rush from one task to another. Then, suddenly, he spots a young guy casually leaning against a wall.

The room is full of workers, and the CEO immediately decides this is the perfect opportunity to show everyone that he means business. He marches straight over to the young man and asks in a loud voice, “And how much money do you make a week?” Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him calmly and replies, “I make $200.00 a week.” The CEO reaches into his wallet, pulls out two crisp hundred-dollar bills, and thrusts them into the young man’s hand. Then he points toward the exit and screams, “Here’s a week’s pay! Now GET OUT!” The entire room falls silent as the young man stares at the cash, shrugs, and walks away without saying another word.

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO turns back toward the stunned employees. He straightens his jacket, looks around the room with a satisfied expression, and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?”

For several seconds, nobody says a word. The workers glance nervously at one another, apparently afraid to be the first person to answer. Finally, one of them lowers his head, gives a sheepish grin, and mutters, “Pizza delivery guy.”

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# Ralph’s Trip Beyond the Pearly Gates Took a Very Embarrassing Turn

Ralph came home drunk one night, barely managing to make it through the front door. He stumbled down the hallway, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep, heavy slumber. He was so completely exhausted that he didn’t even notice his wife wake briefly, glance at him, and shake her head before going back to sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where Saint Peter was waiting with a rather serious expression on his face. “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”

Ralph was stunned. He stared at Saint Peter as though he had just heard the most ridiculous thing imaginable. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. I have a wife, a home, and plenty of things left to do. Send me back!”

Saint Peter sighed and shook his head. “I’m sorry, Ralph, but there’s only one way you can go back. Unfortunately, you cannot return as a human being. You’ll have to come back as a lesser being—an animal.”

Ralph was devastated. He thought for a moment, then suddenly begged Saint Peter to send him to a farm near his home. “Please,” he pleaded. “Anywhere close to my family. I don’t care what kind of animal I have to be. Just give me another chance.”

The next thing Ralph knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking loudly, and pecking at the ground. He looked down at himself in horror, only to realize he had somehow become a hen. Before he could figure out what was happening, a rooster strolled past and looked him over curiously. “So you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”

“Not bad,” replied Ralph the Hen, although he was still trying to understand how he had gone from being a man to a chicken. “But I have this strange feeling inside me, like I’m going to explode.”

“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster matter-of-factly. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before!”

“Never,” said Ralph nervously.

“Well, just relax and let it happen,” said the rooster. “It’s no big deal. Every hen goes through it.”

Ralph took a deep breath and tried to relax. He closed his eyes and waited. A few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was completely overcome with emotion. He couldn’t believe what had just happened. He had actually laid an egg! For the first time since arriving on the farm, he felt strangely happy and proud. He soon laid another egg, and his joy became overwhelming. “I’m doing it!” he thought. “I’m actually a mother!”

As Ralph prepared himself to lay his third egg, he suddenly felt a sharp smack on the back of his head. Everything went black for a moment, and before he could understand what had happened, he heard a very familiar voice shouting beside him…

“RALPH, wake up! You cr*pped the bed!”