A Texan farmer is on vacation in Australia. There, he meets an Australian farmer and strikes up a conversation. Before long, the two farmers begin comparing their farms, each one clearly determined to impress the other. The Australian proudly shows off his enormous wheat field and says, “We grow some pretty impressive crops around here.”
“Oh!” the Texan replies casually. “We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
The Australian raises an eyebrow but says nothing. Instead, he decides to show the Texan his cattle.
Then they walk around the ranch for a bit, and the Australian proudly shows off his massive herd of cattle. The Texan farmer immediately looks them over and says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The Australian farmer’s smile fades slightly. The conversation is now almost at a standstill, with neither man willing to admit that the other has the bigger farm or better animals. Then, suddenly, the Texan sees something moving through the grass.
The Texan points toward a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those?”
The Australian pauses, looks at the kangaroos, then slowly turns back toward the Texan with an incredulous expression.
“Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
Hope this joke makes you smile! Have a wonderful day!!!
A government man approaches a pig farmer one day.
A government man approaches a pig farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs. The farmer answers, “Oh, the pigs? I just feed them whatever scraps I have lying around.”
The man is horrified. He shakes his head and says, “Sir, this is animal cruelty! You can’t possibly feed your pigs like that.”
“I’ll have to fine you $10,000!” he declares.
The next day, another official approaches the farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs. The farmer, remembering what happened the previous day, decides to give a completely different answer.
“Oh, the pigs? Only the best products, sir!” he says proudly.
The official looks interested, so the farmer continues, “Caviar, artisanal cheeses, fresh vegetables, and hand-picked salads. Only the finest food for my pigs!”
The man is shocked. He shakes his head and says, “Sir, the food is way too rich for them! They’ll get sick eating all that expensive food!”
“I’ll have to fine you $10,000!” he announces.
By now, the farmer is beginning to realize that there is apparently no correct answer.
On the third day, another man approaches the farmer and asks him the exact same question.
“What do you feed your pigs?”
The farmer sighs, looks at the official, and decides there is only one safe answer.
“Oh, the pigs?”
“I’ll give them 20 bucks each and let them shop themselves.”
LOL!! Hope this joke makes you smile! Have a wonderful day!!
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# A Man and a Smart, Witty Beggar
A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $2, and that continues for a year. The beggar is grateful, and the man feels good knowing that he is helping someone who needs it.
Then, suddenly, the daily donation changes to $1.50.
“Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s always better than nothing.”
A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes just $1.00.
This time, the beggar can’t help himself. He stops the man and asks, “What’s going on now? First you give me $2 every day, then $1.50, and now only $1. What’s the problem?”
“Well,” the man says, “my eldest son went to college last year. It’s very expensive, so I had to cut the costs.”
The beggar nods sympathetically, waiting to hear more.
“This year, my eldest daughter also went to university,” the man continues, “so I had to cut my expenses even further.”
The beggar thinks about this for a moment, then asks, “And how many children do you have?”
“Four,” the man replies.
The beggar looks at him seriously and says, “Well, I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expense.”
Two Beggars in London
Two beggars live in London.
Ali and Habib are beggars, and they beg in different areas of the city. Habib begs just as long as Ali does, works just as hard, and spends just as many hours on the streets. Yet somehow, Habib only manages to collect £2 to £3 every day.
Ali, on the other hand, brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes every single day. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and always seems to have plenty of money to spend.
One day, Habib finally can’t take it anymore. He approaches Ali and asks, “I work as long and hard as you do, but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day while I barely make enough for dinner?”
Ali smiles and says, “Look at your sign. What does it say?”
Habib looks down at his sign.
It reads, “I have no job, a wife, and six kids to support.”
Ali nods knowingly. “No wonder you only get £2 or £3.”
Habib sighs and then asks, “So what does your sign say?”
Ali turns his sign around and shows it to Habib.
It reads:
“I only need another £10 to move back to my country.”
LOL! Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a wonderful day!
————————————————————————————————————————-
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He was convinced that she had an easy life compared with his exhausting workdays. One evening, after another long day at work, he finally decided that enough was enough.
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, “Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in eight hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies.”
God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 p.m., and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30, he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 p.m., he was exhausted. His body ached, his feet hurt, and he could barely keep his eyes open. Yet, even though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to have a “great time” with his wife—which he somehow managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed.
“Lord,” he pleaded, “I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh please, let us trade back.”
The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied,
“My son, I feel you have learned your lesson, and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were…
…but you’ll have to wait nine months, though.”
The man froze.
“You got pregnant last night!”
=========
There are two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher smiles confidently and says, “Just follow my lead.”
They walk over to the restaurant, and the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The bouncer at the door immediately steps in front of him.
“Sorry, mac. No pets allowed!”
The man with the Doberman Pinscher calmly says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer looks down at the Doberman, then back at the man.
“A Doberman Pinscher?”
He answers, “Yes. They’re using them now. They’re very good. And this one also protects me from robbers.”
The bouncer studies him for a moment, then shrugs.
“Come on in.”
The buddy with the Chihuahua watches all of this and figures, “What the heck!”
He puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again, the bouncer steps forward.
“Sorry, pal. No pets allowed!”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer looks down at the tiny Chihuahua.
“A Chihuahua?”
The man with the Chihuahua stares at the dog, then says with complete disbelief:
“A Chihuahua?”
He pauses dramatically.
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
————————————————————————————
A customer left his cell phone in a store.
When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at “Mom,” and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ll take care of it.”
I thanked her and put the phone behind the counter, expecting someone to return for it.
A few minutes later, the cell phone suddenly rang.
It was “Mom.”
I answered cautiously.
“Hello?”
There was a brief pause on the other end.
Then she said, “Martin, you left your cell phone at the convenience store.”
======
A chap goes into a bar and orders a vodka and Coke.
The barman serves him. The man drinks it, orders another, and then another. This goes on for a while, until the chap begins to slow down and stare thoughtfully into his glass.
The barman notices and asks, “Is there anything the matter, sir?”
The chap replies, “I had an enormous argument with the wife. She said she won’t speak to me for a month. I have to sleep on the sofa.”
The barman shakes his head sympathetically.
“Best bet is to stop drinking, go home, and don’t let this argument carry on past the first night. Nip it in the bud.”
The chap takes another sip, looks at the barman, and says, “You don’t understand.”
The barman waits for the explanation.
The chap sighs.
“This is the last night.”
=====
A blonde stopped at a gas station, got out of the car, opened the hood, and checked the engine oil.
After a few seconds of what appeared to be very serious and intelligent thinking, she took the dipstick in her hand and walked over to the attendant.
“Excuse me,” she said, “but can I buy a longer dipstick?”
The attendant looks confused.
“Sure, ma’am, of course. But why do you need a longer one?”
The blonde holds up the dipstick and explains very seriously:
“Because this one isn’t long enough to reach the oil.”
————————————————————————————————
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland.
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced, “One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer.
“But don’t worry; we still have three engines.”
The two blondes exchanged nervous looks, but eventually relaxed.
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer.
“But don’t worry; we still have two engines left.”
The women glanced at each other again.
An hour later, the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer.
“But don’t worry; we have one engine left.”
The cabin became strangely quiet.
One blonde looked nervously out the window.
Then she turned toward the other blonde and whispered, “What do you think will happen if we lose the last engine?”
The other blonde thought for a moment.
Then she calmly replied, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day.”
============================================
A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking. One day, his wife got so angry that she told him, “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.”
Her husband didn’t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking just like he always did.
His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines.
She stuffed them in her husband’s underwear while he slept.
A short while later, he woke up.
There was a moment of silence.
Then he let out a huge scream.
The house went completely quiet for the next 30 minutes.
After another 30 minutes of silence, he finally came downstairs, sweating profusely and looking absolutely terrified.
“What happened?” asked the wife, trying desperately not to laugh.
He looked at her with wide eyes.
“You were right! My intestines did come out!”
His wife could barely contain herself.
“But don’t worry, honey,” he continued. “After a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”
================================
Michael’s wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she admires herself from every possible angle.
Finally, she turns to her husband and asks, “Darling, honestly, if you didn’t know me, what age would you say I am?”
Looking over her carefully, Michael replied…
“Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five.”
“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.
Just as she was about to tell Michael his reward, he stops her by saying:
“WHOA, hold on there, sweetie…”
She waits.
Michael smiles.
“I haven’t added them up yet!”
P.S. — Please let us know if you’ve seen him. We’re very worried.
—————————————————————————————————
An irate father stormed into the principal’s office.
An irate father stormed into the principal’s office.
“I want to know why my son Winslow was given a zero on his English examination.”
“We’ll get your Winslow’s English teacher in here. I’m sure she has some explanation,” the principal said.
A few minutes later, the English teacher came in.
“Why did you give Winslow a zero on his test?” demanded the father.
“I had no choice,” said the schoolmarm. “He handed in a blank paper with absolutely nothing on it.”
“That’s no excuse!” shouted the father.
The principal looked uncomfortable.
The teacher stood her ground.
The father folded his arms and waited for an explanation.
Finally, the teacher said, “Sir, there was absolutely nothing written on the entire examination.”
The father shook his head angrily.
“That’s no reason to give him a zero.”
He paused dramatically and added:
“You could have at least given him an ‘A’ for neatness!”
==============================
Machine and Bottle.
After the birth of their first child, Tom and Sarah decided it was time to write a will and get their affairs in order.
They went to a lawyer and outlined for him their ideas about how their estate should be handled. The lawyer then asked them questions about what medical means should be employed should they become severely injured.
Tom spoke up immediately.
“I don’t want my life regulated by some machine.”
He shook his head.
“I just can’t stand the idea of receiving my nourishment from a bottle.”
Sarah took Tom’s words to heart.
When they got home, she quietly walked over to the television.
Tom watched in confusion as she unplugged the TV.
Then she cut the TV cord and dumped out all of Tom’s beer.
Tom stared at her.
Sarah smiled innocently.
“Just making sure you get your affairs in order.”
————————————————————————————————————————-
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping.
It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmmm… That’s funny.”
She counted the money again.
“When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”
The boy quickly replied,
“That’s right, lady.”
He smiled.
“The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”
LOLLLL, did you laugh? We hope you enjoyed this joke. Have a wonderful day!
You are loved!
====================================
First day on the job, and this trainee already knows how to handle the big boss!
A man starts his first day as a trainee at a huge corporate empire.
Feeling bold, he picks up the phone and dials the pantry.
“Get me a coffee, quickly!” he demands.
But—oops!
He didn’t dial the pantry.
A voice on the other end snaps back, “You fool! You’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you even know who you’re talking to, dumbo?!”
The trainee freezes for a moment.
He realizes his mistake.
“No,” the trainee replies.
The voice on the other end huffs, “It’s the CEO of the company, you fool!”
The trainee thinks for a second.
The CEO waits, expecting an apology.
Instead, the trainee takes a breath and shouts back:
“And do you know who YOU’RE talking to, you fool?!”
The CEO, now totally confused, asks, “No. Who?”
The trainee replies:
“Good!”
And hangs up.
The CEO sits silently at his desk, staring at the phone.
Meanwhile, somewhere in the building, the trainee smiles and gets back to work.
Sometimes, the best way to survive your first day is simply to make sure nobody knows who you are.
